Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Idk if I want to put a bra on
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
