dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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