You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
