his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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