I'm lost and stupid without you.
the condom got lost in my hair
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
