does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
