I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
