Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Randomize
