when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
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