I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
