If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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