id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
