I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
