I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
