My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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