WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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