I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
