70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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