I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Randomize
