Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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