just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
You took a bar mat shot.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
