looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
