I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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