Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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