I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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