The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
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