Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Found the puke drawer
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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