she looked like the before picture.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Who died my cat blue again?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
