After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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