I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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