I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
