Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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