Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
