i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
