Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize