epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
