I'm sorry my penis didn't work
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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