Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
