i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Vodka?
Forever.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
