Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
