Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
