Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
as a side note pls kill me
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize