Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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