My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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