My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Life is so much better after having sex.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
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