You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
How does it feel to date your dad?
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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