there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
All the doctor said was why
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
