Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Randomize
