My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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