I'd wear matching sweaters with you
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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