Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
