well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
