just survived the first fart of the relationship.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
