lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
