So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
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