my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
