I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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