Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
this beer tastes like vomit already
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
