Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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