I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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