Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize