Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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